Why We Experience Such Complicated Grief Today

In this episode of "Ask a Death Doula", I talk with Reid Peterson the founder of The Grief Refuge App. We have an insightful conversation about grief, what is is, how it works and what you can do to thrive through the grief journey.

2. Why Grief is so Complicated

[8:49] – Grief is painful, and people want to avoid pain of all types – emotional pain is particularly complicated to deal with. Many people associate feeling this kind of pain as not normal and then crave a sense of normalcy in response. This can lead to premature dismissal of their grief. It leads to a lack of respect in our society for the grieving process – it can feel taboo or stigmatized. Even though pain is uncomfortable, it is a signal we receive to let us know something is wrong and we need to acknowledge it. We don’t want to be in pain, but we have to recognize it and understand where it is coming from so that we can address it properly. Ignoring it is only masking it and giving it an opportunity to grow and transmute into something even more severe. Understanding your grief as a natural and expected response to loss allows you to sit with it, honor it, and identify the tools you have to eventually transform it and heal from it. Unless we’re willing and courageous enough to sit with our pain and befriend it, we’re never going to have the opportunity to transform it and move past it.

3. Bringing Back Rituals to End of Life for Healthy Grieving [14:22] – Incorporating rituals back into the processes of end of life and grieving and memorials can be extremely comforting. This can provide insight into steps for the next phases of life for those who are grieving. Rituals that are practiced with loved ones are even more empowering through the shared connection and experience. When families take time at the end of life when they have lost a loved one and really use that window of opportunity to be present and share stories with each other – it has an incredibly positive impact on the way their grief and bereavement journey goes from that point forward. There is no need to rush in the wake of a significant loss – realize that we will never have this moment again. Take it in, allow yourself to slow down, and process what happened and how you are feeling. Bringing back ritual is so important for this.

4. “Stuck” Grief [21:15] – “Stuck” grief is when someone feels hopeless, lonely or isolated, and feeling lost while going through the grieving process. It is defined by people who feel as though they aren’t making progress in their healing – they start to feel that it will never improve. One of the most common things that happen at the end of life is people will wait for you to leave the bedside before they have their actual end of life. Often times, they will be unresponsive and in a sleeping coma for days and the brief instance that someone leaves them for a few minutes they pass away - and people come back and are usually riddled with guilt that they weren’t there for the passing of their loved one. Just having the knowledge that this is normal can unburden people who have been carrying around guilt for decades of their life. Knowledge and education are two of the greatest tools we have to help us deal with the natural process of grieving and how we can move forward and heal from it.

5. The Grief Refuge [24:50] – The Grief Refuge is a hybrid organization that offers live services such as retreats and support groups for those who are grieving. Support groups are now online and focus on unique aspects of grief experiences. There are groups for different types of loss and specific experiences. There are also one-on-one “grief companioning” services offered. It is a heart-centered, and soul-centered approach to helping those dealing with the difficulties of coping with grief or going through grief overwhelm. The Grief Refuge also has an app platform for those seeking validation and comfort along their grief journey and so they can reflect and receive guidance.

Memorable Quotes:

1. “Grief is a natural and expected response to losing something we care about.” – Suzanne B. O’Brien RN

2. “Right now, we are living in a society that treats death as optional. We have to really change our thinking here and bring death back into the natural fold of life because that denial creates a crisis when the time comes.” – Suzanne B. O’Brien

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